http://xiner.wordpress.com/

=) i know im mahfan. and auntie. bt im nt sissy muahahahahahahas. =P

i know i havent found “me” and tts probably why i like all this changing around. i just cant settle for long. hai. change here change there, i need change, new stuffs.. even if it’s just sth tt is, essentially, unreal. tts who i am at this stage, at this point in time tts how i am now. =)

been busy with ASEAN Education Forum ’08 these days. you can check out the details here. =)

jiayou jiayous. more updates. rushing out now muahas.

he’s a frisky little fella! always jumping up and down and u noe, he lurves to just cuddle up to u n lie on ur body. hahas. he’s still pretty puny compared to qianqian (who’s a full-grown cat alr) oh he’s recently taken to using our clothes for his bed :S and i can totally understand why it pisses my mom off. cos he always chooses the clean clothes pile!!! lol. =P we still lurves qianqian tho =) she’s like the queen hahahas. but here’s orh pi:

*sings* rock a bye kitty on the tree top.. *snooores*

huh? my turn for guard duty again? gawrsh. fast.

just 5 more minutes please.. 5 more .. *snores*..

atten-hut! *yawns* mi needs mi shleep..

*meowrs* i was not shlackin’ at guard duty! i tawt i taw a tweety bird!

i deed! i deed! i deed taw a tweety bird! it jush flew away! *sadds*

no tweety bird. but it’sh food all the same.

so anw, yixin is getting her first taste of mens cramps! aww sad. no, it’s not my first period :S but it’s the first time i’ve cramped in these 9years of having mens. argh. it’s not pangs of pain, it’s not even half as painful as my migraines/backaches/stuff like that, but it’s a weird kind of pain tt can decapacitate my movements. boos.

(sorry, an interruption. i luuurves wordpress! has it been upgraded recently or what? this pg looks super like cool!)

yes. so yixin has been suffering tdy. lynn + haechan were not nice kids tonight! urgh. it’s their exam tomorrow. i really REALLY hope they do well. *crosses my fingers and prays* they still don’t recognise some words that i’ve taught them a week ago! omg.. hai. they told me they dont like their school chi teacher lol. hopefully they dont feel the same way abt me. i dont wanna lose this job. tho its not very high paying, but it’s at least bringing in something for me yea.

tired day! had meeting in the aft for the philippines trip. hehx. im quite excited, but still a little overwhelmed by the things we’ve got to do and settle hai. but there’s no backing out now. im going.

somehow, it seems that being in NIE now, i’m more interested in education affairs, like taiwan’s education changes, or how the education system is like in other countries e.g. germany. may not be a bad thing tho. and the thing i love about being in university is that i start to read more and stuff because im interested in them and also because i see a need to increase my own standard and level. and everything’s so focused. like, everything that i’m studying now, i know it will be a great help to my future career. and, everyone knows what they’re going to do when they get out of school. and we all work towards the same goal. and having that goal in sight (and it’s always reminded to us by our dearest lecturers), it helps me somehow. to keep myself on the path . yupsies.

i have photos of my new kitten that i will upload – soon.

that’s the thing about body language. (an average person’s communication is made up of 60% body language and only about 10-20% speech. other methods of communication include scent ). it’s so open to interpretation and since it makes up the large majority of effective communication, a “wrong” gesture may well send an originally positive relationship spiralling southwards. i said “wrong” cos as i mentioned, it’s very open to interpretation. and what may seem like an ordinary everyday meaningless gesture (like a flick of the wrist or shrug of the shoulders or flick of the eyes etc) may be, in fact, a sign of disrespect or dismissal of the intended audience. guess tts why we’ve always got to be constantly (and acutely) aware of our body language. M always said ive got “bad body language”. tts when i started noticing these subtleties.

i was convinced that i will never change for a guy. not my personality or my anything. bt after meeting M, i realised that, hey, this is a guy who doesnt want me to change for him. he wants me to change for me. for myself. ‘cos aft he pointed this out to me, i started to take notice of all these behavioural patterns and body language of the people around me from a 3rd person point of view and i realised that, it’s true. when i extract myself from the situation, i kinda started seeing that different body language really invokes in different people very very different feelings and sends different messages too.

it’s funny how you always say: i’ll never do this, i’ll never do that, i hate this kind of people etc etc etc and at the end of the day, you start doing exactly the same things that you’ll never do and meet the person you hate and you fall in love with that same kind of person too. i said i’ll never date smokers, but i did. i said i hate people who show attitude but i never realied that i show a lot of attitude too (until now). i said i hate people who think the world of themselves and never accept other people’s points of view but hey, sometimes i do that too. though i always listen to what others think, and if they can argue their point logically and reasonably, ill accept it. i won’t necessarily agree (im bullheaded n quite headstrong), but i’ll accept their point of view.

being with M has let me sort of really view myself in the mirror and reflect. on my behaviour, my speech, my self-presentation. i look at the successful people, i mean the real successful ones like Lee Kong Chian, Tan Kah Kee, those “forefathers” who built their own empires with their own bare hands. the people who really command respect not only from me but a load of other people. they display the traits and values that we’re always brought up with but how many of us really embody all those traits and values? n really practise everything that we’re taught?

[theres a reason to focussing on showing respect. when u show respect, true respect, you (in a sense) become humble (in a way) 'cos you see and realise and accept that you're not the best, you're not the smartest, the cleverest, the richest etc. you know that there's someone you can learn from and you don't know every single thing in the world cos you can always learn more stuff. they always say that teachers learn the most. we learn by teaching. learn from the kids. i guess if people cared enough about this sort of values, and really truly put it into practice, maybe, just maybe, it will be a more peaceful world and a happier world to live in cos we wouldnt always be thinking: i hate this person, that person. instead, we'll focus more on the positive side of others and i believe that brings out the good side of us as well.]

yes i do think that its true that a beautiful person (physically and otherwise) will look good in whatever he/she wears. physical features, i hate to say, do play a part sometimes. e.g. my friendster. i left it to fester a couple years ago, n my profile pic was a pic of an SRO character (SRO = Silkroad Online an MMORPG) nvr updated my profile or did anything to it. profile views was: <10 in 2years. then i put this pic up:

and updated my profile and profile views shot up to 80 in 20days. i know its not a lot, but doesnt it show sth?  i am quite astonished. cos i nvr really fully understood how much different it’d make. and i think its got to do with the way you carry yourself too. for me, i fought with my brother since young. literally, fist and legs kind of fought. when i was little, the games we played were always catching or police and thief (with toy pistols n rubber bullets that i think are now banned) and all those “boy” games. i rmb watching soccer and basketball with my father and my bro. cycling with them, with my neighbours (who are mostly guys), playing soccer with them. i think i was kind of brought up like a boy.

as far as i can rmb, there was no dressing up game, my games/toys were transformers, lego, pistols, soccer, bicycles.. i think i kind of took pride of myself as being a “girl” who played “boy games”. esp when in sch, almost all my classmates had long hair and were the feminine sort of girl. while i was always the one sporting the boy-cut hairstyle. tho i was always in dance since idk.. k2? k1? it wasnt till p4 tt cos of dance i had to have long hair. n right aft dance competition in p6, my mom chopped it off lol. i always wore t-shirt and jeans. i still always wear t-shirt and jeans. used to always wear oversized shirts, oversized jeans, i never really cared about how i looked. n i seriously didnt think there was anything wrong with it.

until now. i didnt know how much difference packaging can mean. but it’s hard to change. once you settle into a pattern, a pattern you’ve lived with for twenty years, it’s hard to change. its so tempting to settle back into the easy laid-back ways. and ppl will always comment. ive nvr dared to wear short shorts firstly cos my mom will nag. n secondly cos i think ive got giant thighs (no suitable for comments). n ive nvr dared to wear sleeveless cos i think my arms are too huge. bt these days ive started to i think. wear shorts, wear sleeveless, trying out different stuffs. sometimes i stop and think: i’m alr going on 21, if i dont try stuff out now, how will i ever try them in future? n i go ahead. n i still nitpick especially if there’s a reflective surface around. ive always been very self-conscious. but recently ive realised that the way we look at ourselves is not always the way that people view us.

i think im fat. bt ppl ard me think im crazy for thinking that. i think ive gt giant thighs bt M always say: tts crazy ur thighs are small. n of cos, my ba lurvelies will roll their eyes. similarly i think that shrugging my shoulders is.. just another gesture to me, doesnt have a lot of meaning to it. i mean, it’s basically, just sth that i do when ive got no reply or idk what to say to a comment. bt to others they may think: who the hell do u think u are and they interpret it as if im very dismissive n couldnt be bothered.

i guess tts exactly the way how wenci always pissed me off every morning when we’d be “discussing” stuff (most of the time, it’s more like arguing) as we walk into the nj gates and everytime she cant think of anything to shoot me back with, she’ll just go “whatever!” n the things tt she said, it sounds very insensitive n everything to us, bt to her, it seems like nth. so i guess it works sth like that.

the thing about everything in this world is that it’s always so ambiguous. it’s always grey grey grey when you really think deeper into an issue. the only black and white i guess is when we say: the only constant thing is change. haiz. sometimes thinking about this kind of stuff makes me even more confused.

but theres one thing im certain about: i will change. i definitely will. not only in my dressing, but also my speech and body language. cos i realise that i have to. i really have to. i cant be a teacher if i have bad body language. ill be teaching the kids the wrong things. i cant be a teacher if i dont watch my language or how i carry myself. i cant always be so vulgar/brash. it’s going to take alot of effort and quite some time. but i will change. i will. cos i want to be a better person. i do.

my fav pri sch teacher is my favourite cos she carries herself so well. doesnt lose her temper for nth, she cares, she remembers the things you’ve done for her. she’s detailed and meticulous. she carries herself with grace and poise and dignity. mebbe somewhere deep inside my heart, i want to be like her too. the teacher that kids will love and remember. shes made a difference in my life i think. shes probably the first person to inspire me to be in this path (tho i dont rmb thinking about it for quite a few years n its probably only coincidental that im where i am now).

its been ten years and i can still remember how she looks like, how she talks and her punishments n classroom rules lol. kind of freakish to think about it now. esp since i can only rmb snippets of pri sch life. bt shes the first teacher tt i liked i guess. ive nvr been teachers’ pet not even with her bt she was the only teacher who made me feel like part of the class and made me feel like i was noticed. i mean, at least she knew i existed.

i had to get it off my chest somewhere. been thinking about this issue for weeks now. still cant totally comprehend this thing about self-presentation. bt im learning. along the way. ill learn. slowly, but i will. mebbe one day i can really become the person i want to be. bt tts not possible till i change. -on the way-

“The man believed to be the shooter who killed six students at Northern Illinois University on Thursday was a lauded sociology student who earned two high honors, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.”

.. what is the world coming to? i can’t help but think.. had he been studying so much that he saw what’s going on in the world, saw what the society is really like, and got to grow tired of the world and tried to end his world in the best way he knew how?

Thing is, i feel that it wasn’t right for him to end other people’s world too. it is his world that he grew tired of, but maybe the rest of them weren’t tired of their own world. You see, in every person’s own world, he/she/someone very dear may be the centre of that world but to others, these same people may not even exist in their mindsets. e.g. in my world, my family’s the most important thing, but to my friends, my family’s just that – they’re just.. their friend’s family. the further the connections stretch, probably the less we will think about how they think. (ok im not making sense)

i want to say, it is not right (to me) to end anyone’s life, even ur own. becos every individual is closely linked to something, or someone else in the world. (aft thinking thru wad i was gonna say next, i thought about some exceptions, and decided that my argument was fundamentally flawed so im jz going to stop this topic here)

guess i’m pretty particular abt some things. like these. bt ive decided i shld stop trying to super impose my own opinions on others so i’m trying to maintain objectivity but it’s just so hard. so hard to keep objective all the time. somehow or the other, subjective views always worm their way through and when i come back to think about it, i’m thinking: heys, how could i have said that? it was subjective, therefore it was biased, and fundamentally unstable. and so i had no right to say those things i said. but, tts mostly on hindsight so i really gotta keep working on this. gotta keep on trying to be objective objective objective.

yixin does not know of anything else to say. cos she just stuffed her own mouth full of crap making her unable to say anything. *blinks* maybe it’s time for bed. 3rd night without slp……. n trying to survive..

* iGoogle (thanks to lin’s blog post) hehx.
decided to try it out aft i read lin’s blog and seriously, it’s pretty cool!!!!!! hahahahas. yes me lurves iGoogle

what i love about it the most? its customisation capabilities!! looky my search bars

and my fav gadgets (tools)?

- Quotes of the Day

- Puzzles and Riddles

- Google Reader

and of course, i can access my gmail instantly at just a click!

isn’t it just great???

and iGoogle is really organised. I get to add tabs of my interest like so:

and you can choose ur own theme!!!

PLUS! I get to add other stuff that i want on my main iGoogle page!!

and if the gadgets are not enough, i can create my own!!

isn’t iGoogle just amazingly cool ???

me lurves iGoogle

look at the spread!!!!!!!!!

*was jz talking to yvonne on msn. omg. i nvr knew tt they cared.. i feel guilty.. haiz. i feel so loved!!!!!!!!!!!* thanks girl.. *muahhs!!* no worries, im fine

yixin is tired. oh my. and theres nth much to update actually.. just a lot of random thoughts tt always follow a festive which requires celebration with my family maybe tomorrow *if i still rmb that is*

in any case, to everyone out there.. HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!!!

*for the new year, i wish that everyone is happy, healthy and will be able to achieve their goals and endeavours. i wish everyone health and happiness!!*

1) you hear ppl saying : lets go chinatown and
2) you hear ppl saying: “harh?!?! go chinatown ar??!??! 人挤人挤死人！”
3) you start hearing ppl complain about the dust bunnies at home (as well as the junk!)

4) you see the pile of stuff outside salvation army piling up!
5) you hear your parents talking about going to the nursery – and you know that means more flowers in ur house!!!

a car full of orchids after dropping by the orchid nursery!!!!

and before you know it, ur hse becomes a forest (which is wat my hse is becoming):

6) you start feeling hungry and immediately grab for the containers filled with kueh bangkit and peanut / almond cookies

yummy kueh bangkit!! *slurps*

yummy!!!!! *droools*

*note: if the above is not available, you reach for the love letters. no, it has nth environmentally unfriendly about it*

7) you start seeing piles of mandarin oranges in ur hse:
yes. literally piles of oranges.

8) you start to see TV programs talking about the horoscopes for the new year:

“Your Horoscope
RABBIT
Daily Chinese: February 05, 2008

The Chinese New Year starting the 7th is likely to be a less fortunate year than the past one. Try finishing as many critical projects at work as you can before then. You might want to accept any invitations to socialize, which will make for an enjoyable time. You may want to attend a cultural event.”

9) you hear ppl talking about “eh! CNY eve! 通宵 ar!!” and you immediately know that they’re talking about mahjong:

(and want to join in too!!!)

10) the prices at every single store shoots up. haiz.

yes. CNY is an expensive festival. but even more so for the married!!! which probably is the exact reason why so many ppl prefer to spend even more money and go overseas for the lunar new year. wells. u noe, personal choice for me, i prefer spending my CNY eve at my aunt’s wasting the night away with mj after reunion dinner! since we have to 守夜 anyways.

hehx. and well, i really dont mind spending my time there cos all my paternal cousins are coooooool and funny LOL. and, its actually only the first night of CNY when we’re over at my maternal grandma’s for reunion dinner tt im hesitant abt. haiz. same fiasco all over again. man!

but its ok. i’ll show face to my grandma and go n put up with irritating aunts and cousins. for a while. its only cos of my grandma tt im gg. oh my stars. shes the last grandparent i have now n man am i gg to cherish her even tho sometimes she still says weird stuffs. i didnt have time to cherish my most beloved ah mah and maternal grandpa. nw i have to time to cherish her and i will

tomorrow’s CNY eve.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLKS!!!!!