quintessentially banausic

i never realised how important presentation was. i mean, i knew it was real important (especially if u’re in the sales/finance/business sector) bt i never knew how different people can have so many different interpretations of how you carry yourself (until i met M). for example, i never knew a simple shrug of the shoulders (like i always do) can so totally turn ppl off if they first knew me/saw me. it was always a part of my everyday body language and everyone else ard me seemed to read it just fine (i.e. only saw it as another gesture and not some dismissive crap)

that’s the thing about body language. (an average person’s communication is made up of 60% body language and only about 10-20% speech. other methods of communication include scent ). it’s so open to interpretation and since it makes up the large majority of effective communication, a “wrong” gesture may well send an originally positive relationship spiralling southwards. i said “wrong” cos as i mentioned, it’s very open to interpretation. and what may seem like an ordinary everyday meaningless gesture (like a flick of the wrist or shrug of the shoulders or flick of the eyes etc) may be, in fact, a sign of disrespect or dismissal of the intended audience. guess tts why we’ve always got to be constantly (and acutely) aware of our body language. M always said ive got “bad body language”. tts when i started noticing these subtleties.

i was convinced that i will never change for a guy. not my personality or my anything. bt after meeting M, i realised that, hey, this is a guy who doesnt want me to change for him. he wants me to change for me. for myself. ‘cos aft he pointed this out to me, i started to take notice of all these behavioural patterns and body language of the people around me from a 3rd person point of view and i realised that, it’s true. when i extract myself from the situation, i kinda started seeing that different body language really invokes in different people very very different feelings and sends different messages too.

it’s funny how you always say: i’ll never do this, i’ll never do that, i hate this kind of people etc etc etc and at the end of the day, you start doing exactly the same things that you’ll never do and meet the person you hate and you fall in love with that same kind of person too. i said i’ll never date smokers, but i did. i said i hate people who show attitude but i never realied that i show a lot of attitude too (until now). i said i hate people who think the world of themselves and never accept other people’s points of view but hey, sometimes i do that too. though i always listen to what others think, and if they can argue their point logically and reasonably, ill accept it. i won’t necessarily agree (im bullheaded n quite headstrong), but i’ll accept their point of view.

being with M has let me sort of really view myself in the mirror and reflect. on my behaviour, my speech, my self-presentation. i look at the successful people, i mean the real successful ones like Lee Kong Chian, Tan Kah Kee, those “forefathers” who built their own empires with their own bare hands. the people who really command respect not only from me but a load of other people. they display the traits and values that we’re always brought up with but how many of us really embody all those traits and values? n really practise everything that we’re taught?

[theres a reason to focussing on showing respect. when u show respect, true respect, you (in a sense) become humble (in a way) 'cos you see and realise and accept that you're not the best, you're not the smartest, the cleverest, the richest etc. you know that there's someone you can learn from and you don't know every single thing in the world cos you can always learn more stuff. they always say that teachers learn the most. we learn by teaching. learn from the kids. i guess if people cared enough about this sort of values, and really truly put it into practice, maybe, just maybe, it will be a more peaceful world and a happier world to live in cos we wouldnt always be thinking: i hate this person, that person. instead, we'll focus more on the positive side of others and i believe that brings out the good side of us as well.]

yes i do think that its true that a beautiful person (physically and otherwise) will look good in whatever he/she wears. physical features, i hate to say, do play a part sometimes. e.g. my friendster. i left it to fester a couple years ago, n my profile pic was a pic of an SRO character (SRO = Silkroad Online an MMORPG) nvr updated my profile or did anything to it. profile views was: <10 in 2years. then i put this pic up:

and updated my profile and profile views shot up to 80 in 20days. i know its not a lot, but doesnt it show sth?  i am quite astonished. cos i nvr really fully understood how much different it’d make. and i think its got to do with the way you carry yourself too. for me, i fought with my brother since young. literally, fist and legs kind of fought. when i was little, the games we played were always catching or police and thief (with toy pistols n rubber bullets that i think are now banned) and all those “boy” games. i rmb watching soccer and basketball with my father and my bro. cycling with them, with my neighbours (who are mostly guys), playing soccer with them. i think i was kind of brought up like a boy.

as far as i can rmb, there was no dressing up game, my games/toys were transformers, lego, pistols, soccer, bicycles.. i think i kind of took pride of myself as being a “girl” who played “boy games”. esp when in sch, almost all my classmates had long hair and were the feminine sort of girl. while i was always the one sporting the boy-cut hairstyle. tho i was always in dance since idk.. k2? k1? it wasnt till p4 tt cos of dance i had to have long hair. n right aft dance competition in p6, my mom chopped it off lol. i always wore t-shirt and jeans. i still always wear t-shirt and jeans. used to always wear oversized shirts, oversized jeans, i never really cared about how i looked. n i seriously didnt think there was anything wrong with it.

until now. i didnt know how much difference packaging can mean. but it’s hard to change. once you settle into a pattern, a pattern you’ve lived with for twenty years, it’s hard to change. its so tempting to settle back into the easy laid-back ways. and ppl will always comment. ive nvr dared to wear short shorts firstly cos my mom will nag. n secondly cos i think ive got giant thighs (no suitable for comments). n ive nvr dared to wear sleeveless cos i think my arms are too huge. bt these days ive started to i think. wear shorts, wear sleeveless, trying out different stuffs. sometimes i stop and think: i’m alr going on 21, if i dont try stuff out now, how will i ever try them in future? n i go ahead. n i still nitpick especially if there’s a reflective surface around. ive always been very self-conscious. but recently ive realised that the way we look at ourselves is not always the way that people view us.

i think im fat. bt ppl ard me think im crazy for thinking that. i think ive gt giant thighs bt M always say: tts crazy ur thighs are small. n of cos, my ba lurvelies will roll their eyes. similarly i think that shrugging my shoulders is.. just another gesture to me, doesnt have a lot of meaning to it. i mean, it’s basically, just sth that i do when ive got no reply or idk what to say to a comment. bt to others they may think: who the hell do u think u are and they interpret it as if im very dismissive n couldnt be bothered.

i guess tts exactly the way how wenci always pissed me off every morning when we’d be “discussing” stuff (most of the time, it’s more like arguing) as we walk into the nj gates and everytime she cant think of anything to shoot me back with, she’ll just go “whatever!” n the things tt she said, it sounds very insensitive n everything to us, bt to her, it seems like nth. so i guess it works sth like that.

the thing about everything in this world is that it’s always so ambiguous. it’s always grey grey grey when you really think deeper into an issue. the only black and white i guess is when we say: the only constant thing is change. haiz. sometimes thinking about this kind of stuff makes me even more confused.

but theres one thing im certain about: i will change. i definitely will. not only in my dressing, but also my speech and body language. cos i realise that i have to. i really have to. i cant be a teacher if i have bad body language. ill be teaching the kids the wrong things. i cant be a teacher if i dont watch my language or how i carry myself. i cant always be so vulgar/brash. it’s going to take alot of effort and quite some time. but i will change. i will. cos i want to be a better person. i do.

my fav pri sch teacher is my favourite cos she carries herself so well. doesnt lose her temper for nth, she cares, she remembers the things you’ve done for her. she’s detailed and meticulous. she carries herself with grace and poise and dignity. mebbe somewhere deep inside my heart, i want to be like her too. the teacher that kids will love and remember. shes made a difference in my life i think. shes probably the first person to inspire me to be in this path (tho i dont rmb thinking about it for quite a few years n its probably only coincidental that im where i am now).

its been ten years and i can still remember how she looks like, how she talks and her punishments n classroom rules lol. kind of freakish to think about it now. esp since i can only rmb snippets of pri sch life. bt shes the first teacher tt i liked i guess. ive nvr been teachers’ pet not even with her bt she was the only teacher who made me feel like part of the class and made me feel like i was noticed. i mean, at least she knew i existed.

i had to get it off my chest somewhere. been thinking about this issue for weeks now. still cant totally comprehend this thing about self-presentation. bt im learning. along the way. ill learn. slowly, but i will. mebbe one day i can really become the person i want to be. bt tts not possible till i change. -on the way-