quintessentially banausic

*sings* happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me……..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

yes, happy birthday to me.

haiz. today was 感动 day again! *urms, at night lar*

so this morning went over to my aunt’s place to help my cousin with the wedding video n stuffs. then i ended up helping my cousin write invitations (with my horrendous handwriting!)
-.-” o.m.g. and the envelopes too.  haiz. and seriously, it sux. lol. i mean, my penmanship lar!! so then we went through a brief outline of the “romance history” of my cousin and kinda decided the brief flow of the video. so…. urms, all i can say is, i really didnt help out much. cos, yea. urms. i jus really wasnt much of a help. summore my brain was really NOT functioning. ali would noe.

and then aft tt i met ali for a “pruning” session =P i feel clean!!!!!! =D hehx. and we went shopping *again*. i bought a bag for S$29.00!!! lolx. i have REALLY overspent. by 800bucks. idk where my money flew to. really. its prolly all pouring into the wedding stuff. I’M SERIOUS! i spent almost 4-5oo lar! cos i paid for my sister’s stuff too. haiz.

so anyways, mommy n daddy n bro n sis surprised me tdy by getting me an Awfully Chocolate “Blueberry and Dome” (i think) cake!!!! omg. ok, so heres the thing. ydae when i was out with qx, cousin called to ask if i needed them to help me pick up Awfully Chocolate’s cake since they were at katong mall anyways.

BUT 1) i didnt hear my phone ring 2) i have JUST bought the cake (annex: daddy wanted me to buy Angie the Choice’s durian cake for the bbq at night since its supposed to be my bdae n he kinda wanted me to cut a cake for the relatives n stuffs jus for formalities sake kinda thing) but i bought the Blackforest at Bengawan Solo lar cos i was at macpherson’s having lunch and there just happened to be a Bengawan Solo nearby.

so, what happened was, i bought the cake, the phone rang, i didnt hear the phone ring, and by the time my cousin sms-ed me asking me about the awfully chocolate, I WAS AWFULLY UPSET cos i was already on the bus on the way home with a bengawan solo blackforest (which was alright average). =( me was sad. and kinda awfully upset.

so, bro came up with this idea tt, since its my bdae, i shldnt be made to pay for my own bdae cake. and since mom and sis were at katong mall today (sis’s piano recital. well actually, its a student showcase tt my piano teacher organises annually.) they “popped by” the Awfully Chocolate shop to buy me a bdae cake!!!!! ISN’T THAT AWFULLY SWEET?????? seriously, i loves my family to bits bits bits bits bits!

waiting..

watching “Seven Swords” lol. the position’s kinda spastic

smelling the rum… (mom wanted me to guess the flavour)

letting bro smell the rum. lol. SO frightfully (UN)GLAM!

cutting cake for moms (she didnt want the previous slice. claimed it was too big!)

caught in the act of eating sinful food late in the night! but its really good.

helping herself to a wonderful cake…

see? shouldnt i feel very touched by all this? haiz. i loves my family! and all my friends!

and anyways, ive been having consistent gastric cramps for the second day running! urgh. my gastric just keeps cramping. and sis still wants me to go swim tomorrow! which i cant anyways. not for another 20hrs. =P nahx. i have to pass up swimming tomorrow. my entire stomach is tangling itself together. and ive been having migraine all day. hope it all goes away tomorrow.

in any case, i think i can give up on all hope of going for a countdown or any sort of bdae celebration tomorrow. so much for planning to wear tt nice cheongsam top. i guess i’ll jus forget it. i am upset. bt not too much i guess….. nope, tts not right. i shld say, not too much i hope. i am upset. i cant deny tt. i really am. bt i cant do anything abt it either. its jus not up to me.

but i thank whoever/whatever’s dictating my life for this absolutely gorgeously wonderful family and friends tt i have. and all the experiences tt ive gone through. because its these three factors that mould me to who i am now. i loves everyone! *happy birthday to me!* (in 59mins)

yes today is the second day of bbq. haiz. tired! anyways, went out with qx in the morning cos he very kindly offered to help me take my phone for repair!!! *happy* and we went to macpherson for lunch lol. from WISMA! hahahahahaha. first time i did sth so .. “superb” lol. but it was great fun, and the food was great! and of course, i’m “AWFULLY” upset about something. urgh. bt the blackforest cake turned out great. and me being me, had a stomachache since afternoon.

so it might have had something to do with the fact tt i drank on an almost empty stomach (considering tt my alcohol tolerance level is REALLY low, one bacardi on an empty stomach is quite enough to churn it abit. i wasnt even flushing/red. i jus had a stomachache. or maybe it had to do with the fact tt i had spicy spicy otah for breakfast this morning despite havent eaten anything for more than 12hrs before tt ) so in any case, i laosai-ded! of course, it was right at the end after all the guests were gone lar. but i didnt eat much tdy either. i had 2chicken wings. and…. yea. tts abt it. lol.

i’m so so so so so 感动 by daddy!! omg…. when daddy gave me the present i literally CRIED ok? thing is, my parents have not *in my memory* given me bdae prezzies. and this was sth really meaningful. and it is soooo so so soooo beautiful!! and it’s absolutely sth tt i’ve loved and adored as a child all the way till now. (i mean,
even looking at the present and thinking about it now can bring tears to my eyes!) what can be a more gorgeous bdae prezzie from my most most most beloved daddy than an absolutely gorgeous handmade book!!!!???? and i’ll bet it cost a bloody huge bomb! haiz. *im gonna cry again!!*

i love my daddy n mommy so much. bt esp my dad i guess. we nvr ever really speak too much to each other. as in, we do talk a lot, discuss stuff, and i go to him for advice on my academic stuff n everything. but we never.. “small talk” or stuff like tt. bt somehow, i feel this very strong connection.

maybe its becos i noe tt no matter he shows it or not, i noe i’m the one he pampered (in his own way) as a child. not so much as buying whatever i want for me n all that, but in that both my parents love me so much tt they will do whatever they can to give us the best education in their ability. and for daddy to trust me to make right decisions (at the very end!) rather than being overly-protective. tdy is the first time (since he carried me as a kid) tt i hugged my daddy. i dont rmb how long ago was the last time i did that. but i’m pretty sure it’s more than 10yrs.
it’s times when we go out tgt n are crossing the road, tt my daddy will absentmindedly hold my hand like i’m still a kid. lol. but i love it anyways. cos tts jus abt the only physical contact i’ll have with dads. n somehow i feel so protected. and so safe.

these couple of yrs i think my parents and i have grown so much closer. i used to “reject” them so much in sec sch. bt im really glad tt my parents let me fall flat on my face then. maybe they knew i’d come back or sth. idk. i really dont know. but, i’m glad they let me fall. and they let me fall hard. i really appreciate them now. i do. i dont know how i’ll live without any of them. i know tt day will come.. but i hope it’s going to be as late as possible. i jus wanna enjoy their company and their truly unconditional love for now.. i really love them. but i have never told them. u think they’d know?

so in any case, today’s the last day of bbq! 31st is cancelled due to various reasons. and i remain neutral not gonna sae im  happy abt it or not. tomorrow sis is having piano recital at katong mall bt im not gonna be there. its not the first recital tt my teacher is holding for his students. but it has been 2/3 yrs tt i have not participated. i think the last time (and first time) i participated was in sec3 lol. and then there were so-called “smyh” complications. but im very very glad to have such an understanding piano teacher.

when i have enough spare cash, i will definitely take my diploma under him. all 3 of them. i jus don have tt kinda cash now. even tho he pro-rates his fees specially for me. i feel kinda indebted to him somehow. cos he’s helped me so much. guess ive always been pretty close to all my piano teachers to date. except the first one who used to knock me on the knuckles and scolded me for being sick -.-” and wouldnt let me skip grades or move on jus cos i didnt wanna take the stupid exams. i simply hate exams. URGH. (mainly cos of scales )

i think i jus got “flown aeroplane” for the 31st too. n its kinda horrid to say tt i expected it, but, i’m not too surprised. and.. i guess i’m used to it. somehow. yea. im used to it. bt at least this time i had all my jc n uni friends n paternal relatives (+7th maternal aunt n uncle! and their kids) to celebrate with me beforehand. but i guess the day itself still means sth to me. it does. it really does. it kinda sux tt my mom’s usually not home on the 31st to celebrate it with me. (this is getting to be a really long post -.-”) n it sux to be stood up on the actual day of ur bdae. haiz. guess it cant be helped. im used to it, bt i still get affected somehow, sometimes, somewhat.

and i really have to thank qx. once he heard abt it, he immediately offered for me to “tag along” to his camp countdown thing at a ktv. i’m so touched! he’s nobody (except a normal friend whom i have not contacted in a real long time until very very recently) n he’s so nice. haiz. if only my bfs …………. in any case, cheryl, if u’re reading this post, no, he’s not my bf, and he’s not interested in me. he has another person tt he likes alr. n i’d help him jio tt girl if i knew who she is lol. we’re really only friends. n its really only becos we were talking abt his car the previous day.
i get really touched by the love tt friends can offer.

so tomorrow i’m gg to 2nd paternal uncle’s place to help my cousin with the wedding stuffs. and then i’ll be meeting alicia at night in town. :) n i’ll no longer be a b.v.! lol. guess i jus like
to try new stuffs now and then. tts tt for the day i guess lol.

i’m tired.. but i cant get to sleep…….

的确。人，是不能绝望的动物。人只要绝望了，就是世界末日了。我深信世界没有末日。我是说，人类没有末日。嗯，这个想法很难解释。就是说。。。。。。我认为，世界末日的那一天，就是人类失去了自我、失去了重心、失去了耐心、失去了爱心、失去了恒心、失去了决心  –  的那一天。失去了明白、失去了清楚。失去了明了。失去了“看”，失去了“听”。。。

我不能失去这一些。不能失去这一切。失去了自我，那么“我”就不存在。失去了重心，那我就失去了轴，就不能脚踏实地，就必须轻飘飘的过日子。我不想轻飘飘的，我想实实在在的。失去了耐心，什么都做不成，而且也不会有耐心把事情想清楚。失去了爱心…那么，我就连动物都不如了。“我”就真的真的不存在了。因为一个动物都不如的“我”，宁可不活了。反正，也没什么差。失去了恒心，那么软弱的人生，我不要！我要坚强，我要勇敢。我要有恒心毅力。失去了决心，就没有了恒心。没有了决心的软弱，我不能接受！

我不能失去“看”。失去了“看”就不能清楚的了解每个人，每件事，每一样东西。失去了“看”就失去了“清楚”，失去了“明白”。失去了“听”就更惨了。失去了“听”，像等于失去了一大部分的头脑。（嗯。。这样说好像有些过分。）嗯。。就是说，失去了“听”就再也不能听清楚他人内心的声音，更不能听清楚自己内心的声音。这样，不是很糟糕吗？不能听清楚自己内心的声音，不久像等于失去了半个自己吗？嗯。。。。我真的不想失去半个自己。我想要有一个完整的胡艺欣！
所以，我不能失去“听”。真的不能。失去任何一项都不能。。。

我恐惧世界只剩下黑白灰的一天。我希望那一天永远不要到来。失去了蓝、黄、红的日子该怎么过！！我要多姿多彩、色彩斑斓的世界！黑白灰的日子。。。。。。。。。。我不能接受！我真的不能！我要有春天的凉风，夏天的海滩，秋天的落叶，冬天的雪花。我要新加坡的雷雨，我要日本的雪，我要加利福尼亚州的太阳。。我很贪心。我都要！我最想要的，是各种经验。经验能丰富我的人生。我要有丰富的人生！Colour my life!!!!!!
是的！

哦。。。。我好像太贪心了！也太执着了！可是我无法克制自己。我要趁世界还有红蓝黄的时候好好的珍惜地过每一天的生活！有红蓝黄的日子太棒了。而且，我不知道他们什么时候会悄悄的离开。到那天再说吧！现在，我要好好的享受红蓝黄对我的爱！:)

“胡”说八道完毕！

it’s finally the day of the bbq. lol. i’m so happy today!!! thank you all friends… *MUAHS*!! i love all the prezzies (*ahem* mummy n papa, i think you kindly left the receipt in the plastic bag! ) i love everything!!! thanks!!!! esp. for a very very very precious memory..

thanks to:
-mr. and mrs. chrispy (mr. chrispy was sick thanks for coming!!!!! and thanks for helping me carry the very heavy drinks up!!)
-sy and cy!
-emms (who helped me with shopping at cold storage! shes the earliest!)
-xueyi (who’s flying off tml. and shes sick too!!! 感动！)
-gavin (whom i jus knew for a few weeks but came anyways! 感动！)

and thanks to:
-cheryl (who was the earliest of the jc peeps! lol. second earliest overall lol.)
-mavis
-xh (papa and mama specially bought a prezzie! 感动(2)!)
-xl (who rushed down from work!!!  感动(3)!!)
-christin
-weiming (whom i havent seen for so long and still came!!!)
-wh (who’s flying off tomorrow to norway with meiwei! will be missing you guys so much!!!! keep in touch k??!?!)
-meiwei (:) keep in touch!! )

and special thanks to qingxian who made special effort to come down even though a) he knew none of my friends who come b) we have gotten back in contact only recently c) knew he was sick and couldnt eat anything 感动(x3)！！
and to alicia! who had to rush off but made a point to come over anyways!

i loves everything babes..  i’m sad xy couldnt come.. :( but its alr the biggest turnout so far for our clique outings..

i miss u guys so much!! (and this time we didnt gossip! *ahem* at least, i didnt. )

but i’m very 感动(x infinite) tt so many friends bothered to come!!! i feel so loved!!!
and urm, sorry if i’m a horrible host lol. first time im hosting such an event. so, pls forgive me guys! n two groups of ppl meant i had to run up n down which meant tt i wasnt actually really hosting anything lol. i feel so 失败. haiz. i hope u guys enjoyed the bbq!

pls forgive me for wearing the nj t shirt lol. it was either it or swiss winds polo tee.. -.-” (ok and i look horrible. ive got no eyes! omg! *stabs myself to death*)

finally found a photo with gavin in it! lol. the other camera’s cable is MIA so cant upload the pics. n anw, gavin was alr gone (to another party) by the time i took pic with the nie chi/ntu engin peeps.

mr yeo, what do you think u’re doing? smoking eh?

ok, so basically in this pic, the girls are all frm nie cll spec, and the guys are all frm ntu engin. i think miss emms was quite high.

and all the lovely lovely nj peeps!!! oh man… miss u guys so much!!!!!!!
and qx’s also in the pic! poor qx. had to be dragged into the pic lol. and forced by me to stay till so late tho he alr missed his medicine time. n his dad’s prolly gg to blow his top or sth. haiz. *i feel awfully bad* (but happy too.)

nj peeps + weiming!! lol.

haiz.. today was the most 感动 day of my life!! really. i’m so so so happy!! n i really hope u guys had fun! *muahs!* gonna miss u all till the nxt time we meet!

(qx took me for a short ride (only ard the corner) but.. i.. haiz. i want tt car!!! its not the sound lar k? its very stable. n i love the lights on the dashboard. lol. haiz… and no, he’s not my bf k? hes jus a friend. really. if u look at the pic u will realise the two of us are standing quite apart. and anw, i think my parents don like him lol. cos it runs in the family tt we don like cars which are too loud and which accelerate round the corner at my place. COS ITS SO FREAKIN’ DANGEROUS! but i love his car anw. )

哈哈。终于想用华文来写一篇网上日记了。可是，现再没有什么灵感写呢。。唉。。。。真是扫兴。hmmm…  明天就是烤肉会了。东西都还没准备齐全，不知道会不会闹出什么麻烦。有些担心，但想来想去，担心也没有用。等到明天再看情况打算吧！也没什么可以做的。

再过几天就要过二十岁生日了！既开心又有某种不确定的、奇怪的感觉。终于可以和同年龄的人同各年龄了。可是偏偏就有些人在我好不容易追上后，又要把我抛在后头！！他们要21岁了！！唉。。。真觉得自己有些失败！好不容易有灵感用华文写我的  post  却又在这个时候完全没有灵感写任何有意义的东西！失败！！失败！！

最近的心绪又好乱好乱了。真不知道什么时候才能稳定的、开开心心的、毫不考虑的开心的。乱得失眠了！应该说，乱得又失眠了！唉。。唉。。似乎在追求稳定的当儿，失去了人生中原有的观点，也放掉了原有的梦想。对于人生，对于人类，我改观了。彻底改观了。不见得是坏事。其实，觉得挺好的。这些年来，看的东西较多了，接触的人、事、接触的人、事、物也多了。所以也影响了我对着世界的看法吧！开始丧失了一点原有的天真，多了一些本来不存在的。。scepticism。。仿佛开始厌倦了这世界的某些事情。我经历过的事虽然真的不多，但是却已足以让我对世界有这种感觉，那我怎么能够狠心的不去理解一些人对世界的厌倦！有时，真可怜他们。却在同时羡慕他们的勇敢、他们那种肯吃苦的精神。羡慕他们在经过这么多事情后还有勇气活下去，活出一个更美好的日子。虽然说也没有很美好啦。

但是，（可能是我那个天真的一面说的话）总觉得只要活得下去，就不怕有阴天。阴天后必定有彩虹。有时候即使阴天过去了，我还是找不到彩虹。看到别人的彩虹的美丽，却看不见自己的彩虹，更别说那彩虹的美好。看到别人的天空中已经出了太阳，却在自己的那一片小天空中只看见无边无际的乌云。可能。。。。。。可能要自己变成太阳吧。把自己变成太阳才能把太阳带来自己的天空。可能吧。或许是这样没错。自己变成了太阳过后，就真的不怕有阴天。不怕打雷，下雨。（可是我偏偏喜欢太空乌云密布、打雷声阵阵响起的时候。当然是在真实生活中的阴天啦！要我活在永不见天日的精神中，就等于没有在活着。）

我最怕的是有一天真的失去了一切的天真，失去了所有的人生观，无法再为自己的人生、自己的一切做一个定位。我必须清楚地知道我自己。知道自己的任务。知道自己在当下该做的事情，该扮演的角色。虽然清楚明了，但都没做到。哎。真失败！必须在这方面加加油！

–我害怕没有“我”的日子。我恐惧不存在。我好怕精神黑暗。我害怕没有夏天。（但与此同时又嫌夏天太热！人类，真是矛盾！）我恐惧。不能做自己的日子。一个没有“我”的存在价值、意义，一个没有自我的日子。。-好怕。-

lol yes its bbq eve tdy. so spent the day carrying stuffs for my dads. eg bricks, flower pots, pots of flowers, grocery yada yada. arranging the bbq space. anyways, there’ll be more to do tomorrow. cos 1) mummy wasnt pleased with the bbq area n how it looks 2) more grocery to be carried and more grocery shopping to be done 3) need to cook stuff. mommy’s making konnyaku n burbur chacha!!!! me’s looking forward to tomorrow. BUT BUT BUT!!! nt sure if the people really know how to get to my place. im sry i cant meet u guys somewhere else before bringing u guys tgt (e.g. meeting at clementi mrt stn n den taking bus tgt back to my place) cos i need to start fire first (bro’s going to work at 5+ so he needs early dinner) AND need to help prepare the stuffs. so please forgive me if i look like shit tomorrow! (which i do everyday -.-”)

so anyways, met up with qx jus nw! my gdness. tt person looks exactly the same lar! other than the hair which is a little shorter lol. a lot shorter, actually. bt he’s the same. skinny, bamboo-ish.. everything i rmb. lol. so apparently he couldnt recognise me at first lar! (omg. am i really THAT FAT NOW???? *freaks out*) tts it. if i eat very little tomorrow u guys
know its because i really need to lose weight for 2wks later, the wedding dinner. k? PLUS need to lose weight for my bdae too! so tt i can look nicer. not tt anyone is gg to see. but still…! im incoherent.

so its about time for me to hit the sacks. SOON. and ppl, if u guys come into my room, forgive me for being so untidy. PLEASE! im nvr good at keeping things where they belong. BUT I DO KNOW WHERE THEY ARE WHEN I NEED TO FIND THEM! (most of the time. lol)

n im hoping tt qx n j will be able to come tml tho they’ll feel kinda odd cos most of my friends are frm my jc/uni n they dunno them. -.-” but i still hope they’ll come! cos they matter to me. n i wanna share gd things wid everyone who matters to me. i jus hope tomorrow goes well n nth screws up. -.-” wish me luck peeps! anything, jus gimme a call/beep. hopefully ill receive the sms. (phone’s been lagging.-.-”)

timetable is out. and seriously, ITS FREAKIN’ LIKE SHIT. i could’ve had a 3day week lar! wth. i hate having tues off. cant they shift it to fri? and wth. fri’s timing is freakin’ shitty. ARGH. *goes crazy* i hate this. im gonna hate my timetable. *correction* I HATE MY TIMETABLE. ok. so every single sem i say the same thing. but seriously, haiz. i hate gg to school in the aft! i mean, when classes only start in the aft, it totally sux. like hell. urgh. pissed pissed pissed.

looky my cousins! lol. they’re so freakin’ cute lar! *when they’re not screaming* =) the youngest one is 2yrs old!!! (omg) and the second youngest is 5!!! and now i feel old. -.-” cant imagine i’m 18yrs their SENIOR!!!!!!! my my my…… im old.

see the string on the dogs?
she uses it as a “leash” to walk her toy dogs. cute rite?????

too bad i couldnt get a nice pic of her. shes cute!

my youngest cousin!! =) he’s so cute lar. i have to say. lol.

he’s two years old! and already he can say his name. lol. when you ask him how old are you, he’ll give you the peace sign and say:”几岁？”lol. ultimate lar!

it’s christmas eve and i’m stuck at home! yay me. -.-” in any case, was jus reading xy’s blog.. and it’s what i’m trying to do now too. jus tt i’m not really succeeding yet. but i’m trying. and it’s tough n along the way i jus lose it here n there. but i like this sentence: “i should always look at what i can still do, not look at what i cannot already do.” (ref. xy’s blog – u’ll never noe. copyright issues) i’m trying very hard not to let things tt i cannot help ruin my perspective. i have to 
remember to keep focussing on the goal. tho there’s no goal on hand. but i have to focus. n not let my mind dwell on stuffs tt i cant do anything about.

anw, mum’s letting me get contacts. but im not sure now. should i or should i not? *btw, ive got puny eyes and a huge face -.-”*