quintessentially banausic

i really think tt im quite 神 (a.k.a. 神经病）u noe? lol. cos its blardie holiday, and i can still switch off the tv aft like 2hrs and go read stuffs like “Early Civilisations of China” or stuffs like “傅雷家书” or some other “educational” stuff. omg. idk. i just cant sit on my ass all day doing nth bt watch tv. i jus feel tt i need to read up on stuffs tt will increase my knowledge base or sth. urgh. im jus a siao gin na. n i read this kinda stuff until like 12+ or 1+ a.m. when i can blardie well sleep very early since its the hols!!!! n ppl can sms me at 3+ or 5+a.m. n ill totally wake up and not go back to slp again. like now. can my biological clock tune itself so it’s NORMAL????? feel i needa move ard or use my brain. it really irks me wen i cant use my brain. i mean, when i allow myself to engage in activities tt do not allow for, or require any brain activity for prolonged periods of time, i really hate myself. 

oh n jz found out tt chrispy’s friend (kx) is a friend of my sec sch sr!!! omg. actually, tt means tt he’s frm my sec sch. singapore’s really TOOOOO small. n apparently he’s close friends with tt band sr. of mine. boos.

dads n moms pressing me to go for body checkup. “family conference” last night (lol actually the whole family jus came tgt to tok lar.. havent done tt in a real long time tho feels really nice :] ) n moms said i look (and i quote,) “pale”. n of cos tt comment was backed up by dad n bro. idk wats wrong with their eyes lar. so anw, SOON, i will go polyclinic to do the checkup. been feeling whoozy n headachy anw, and i might as well go get some oral meds or sth for constipation =P. anyhows, they’re worried i got diabetes (low blood sugar kind) or low blood pressure (which i don really think so – for both!) bt anw, due to concerns tt arise because of our long and colorful family history tt even nurses find hard to believe, guess id better go so tt it’ll put their minds at ease. =.=”

im hungry.

maybe sometimes i just want to be the perfect whoever.. the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect sister.. the perfect slacker even. idk. cant seem to get rid of tt perfectionist streak in me tt doesnt allow for any less-than-average. i mean, if i noe i really cant make it then i wouldnt even try. bt if i noe i can be better than ave ill be super upset if im jz average.. idk. mebbe i try so hard to be the perfect someone tt i fail miserably. 
yes. i think the problem lies with me. it must be me. haiz. do i really ask too much from a person? do i really ask too much from myself? yes. i ask a lot of myself. bt is it too much? moms always say i try to be perfect too much. guess i take aft my dads a lot about this. is it because of this streak tt i end up so disappointed so much? haiz. idk. i thought tt aft exams id haf the time to really think abt stuffs.. to think things thru. but seems like i cant really sort this out still.

moms says i expect myself to be perfect and expect so much from myself about everything that i expect a lot from others as well. is tt why i get disappointed? dads says i use my brains to think too much. apparently not about studies. -.-” dads says i use my brains too much. thinking abt what i really dont know. abt idiotic stuffs probably. urgh. im very very VERY frustrated.

was jz reading emms’ blog.. (cant help feeling if tt sort of friends refer to me lol) since yes, i do lots of things tt ppl (inc. myself) sometimes cant understand. bt, we have all gone through different paths in life. im here for my own reasons and everyone’s where they are for their own reasons. 
i noe ive been through some experiences tt some others my age have never been through. or experiences tt ppl where i am are not supposed to have gone through. and yes i don understand some ppl’s (friends’) naivety at the way they look at the world. the way how they just cannot seem to grasp the reality of some ppl’s lives. i can understand why he was so pissed wen tt guy said “$6/hr so cheap labout i don wan do tt kind of job”. if u live in this sort of environment, den u’d understand. bt i guess some ppl just dont grasp tt kind of gravity where they really cannot survive on the meagre amt of salary. not cos they don wan to go work. they’re working. they just dont earn much. yes. i am very very very lucky.

i get kind of pissed off by that kind of naive look on the world and on life. life’s not this smooth-sailing for others. ive been thru ups n downs and im really sure tt everyone has. its just, some ppl’s life experiences are really nt wat we can empathise with unless u have lived that kind of life before, and have seen majority of the ppl who live this life.

and i get really pissed at ppl who do not understand the situation and just like to criticise/judge ppl by only what they see. which is, most of the time, only what they want to see. and they always think that they’re right without thinking about why the ppl do the things they do. just cos u’re privileged or luckier than others, doesnt mean that everyone else has to be as privileged/lucky as you are. really. i get super pissed by ppl like tt. 

i firmly believe that there are no stupid people on the planet. but i just cant stand ignorance. ignorance is the worst kind of vice (other than plain laziness and arrogance).

it’s finally my last paper. i mean, the END of  my last paper. W00TS!!! haha. yes. but somehow i dont feel any relief in stress. does tt mean i wasnt stressed before? OMG. tts just damned sad case ok? things i did this sem:

1) slack,
2) slack,
3) slack.

ok. tts my final verdict. i have officially wasted one sem’s time. urgh. anw, might be taking up a new tuition assignment bt its all the way at buona vista leh. shld i or shld i not? haiz. 3days/week for this mth (hols mth) den aft tt im nt sure alr. so yeah. maybe i shld, just to earn the extra bucks tt i quite desperately need.

so anw, im at my sec 2’s weight now and i desperately need to get down to my sec3’s weight. cos i feel so darned *fat*. its just 3kg away. GAMBATTE! hehx. im real bored. n im tired.

somehow, i still dont know. it feels right but it feels wrong. friends/more than friends? idk. idk wat i want, idk wat i need. maybe i just need to take a break, 
take a vacation, get away from everything…

im thankful for the ppl who love me. and show it. and prove it by action. and let me feel it. all my friends n family n everyone around me. haiz. seriously, ive nvr felt more loved in my life than now. thanks guys~!! =D i long to go back to my carefree self. bt seems like its not very possible now. maybe aft exams ba. but even then…. …

-true freedom comes with strict discipline-
i must continue to remind myself that.

i totally cannot believe that i only have one last paper left!! YIPPEESS!!!!! oh and gd luck for me for all my prev papers cos i really think i screwed them up LOL. hehx. yes my killer papers will be over soon! one more week one more week! i get high juz thinking about that lol. *ahems*

haiz. i hope my moodiness will all go away soon. yes life will be better. life WILL be better. haiz. 

listening to 李玖哲’s . haiz. its like such a sad sad song. but i still love listening to it anw. lyrics does not apply to me i guess. bt .. somehow .. haiz….. am suddenly thinking of Olivia’s “Sometimes when we touch”. tt song applies to me somehow lol. i lurves tt song! behind “Love, Me”. i guess. haiz. there is something abt this sort of kinda sad songs tt lures me lol. mebbe im jz born pessimistic/saddistic/sth or the other.

rmb ppl, u’re all booked for the 28th dec!

‘elps!!!!!! im losing concentration again. ok n i jz woke up frm my aft nap without studying for tml’s killer cch paper. ok i am so dead. think id be running a fever cos my temp’s alr >37! weets.. so high. urgh. i feel horrible now. scratchy throat, wooden brain n head. *sniffles* lol. 
need to get cat food for qianqian too. haiz. will go down to cold storage later.

babes, are we going cdm tml???

seriously, I AM SO SCREWED UP FOR THIS EXAMS.

have just reached home from mum n dad’s society exhibition oh boy. n tml will be burnt there too. AND mon tues wed are KILLER PAPERS. (which i havent studied for). wish me luck peeps.
rmb: plywood coffin will do.

dear friends,

thanks for all the love these days. thanks for not over-asking. thanks for respecting me n my choice to remain silent (quite silent, that is). 

sorry to xueyi who had to listen to all my ramblings and complaints and maybe u were freaked out??
im sorry to the people ive caused so much worry and troubles.. (i really nvr meant to hurt anyone in any way.) tho i really wanna make all good decisions, i noe i made some bad calls. insensitive, like. 

n special thanks to J, xueyi, my bro, n moms. for slapping me awake to the facts. for standing by me all the time. for making sure tt i dont back out. for loving me just the way i am 
(despite everything tts happened).

i noe tt ppl seldom read this blog lar.. bt i just had to say it. just in case (of idk what). guess i juz had to say it out somehow. 

i wanna thank everybody for everything they’ve given me!!!!!! the love, joy, laughter, happiness, tears, sadness, weirdness, craziness, highness! lol. yes im feeling much better now. saying thanks to ppl who deserve it always make me feel better.

oh and special special thanks to my cat qianqian! haha. for just being qianqian (amidst the half eaten rats n birds of course. at which we are quite irritated n angry). thanks to everybody for jus being YOU. ive never felt more love in my life than now.

im caught at crossroads. again.

i nvr imagined tt there would be a person who’d be willing to change his whole lifestyle (for 2decades) for me. just cos i said so.

can we walk thru it all?

today was my first paper. it was seriously shit. 3 questions, i didnt manage to complete any single one. shit shit shit. n im not having high hopes for the remaining 4 papers either. i think im so flunking this sem.

if i wanna do sth, i wanna do it right. give me the courage to move on from here.

(rantings) to those ppl who think tt im a bitch jus cos i broke up with him, my bf for nearly 4 years, if u dont know the whole story or only noe his side of the story, jus shut the hell up. if u dont noe me in person, or if u dont noe me well, just shut the hell up. if u dont know what ive been going thru, shut the fuck up.
wei, seriously, u have absolutely no idea how many sleepless nights ive gone thru just to try to get money or jus thinking abt the financial issues. wei, u really have no idea wat i really went thru. wei, i can nvr understand hw u feel abt tt sort of thing happening to u for the simple fact tt ive never been put in tt position. u must realise that u share so many similar traits with him. seriously, think abt it. u two are really alike. wei, no one really knows what ive went thru either. not even u. u who know exactly wat i have been doing for >3yrs.

we were almost 3mths to 4yrs. i knew tt once i dropped tt sentence tt we cld nvr be together again. bt i said it anyways.

its time for the both of us to move on, wei. no more “sorry”s, no more apologising, no more regrets.. look forward n move on. i noe u can. and i noe i can too. n i noe i will. n i have moved on. i am starting to appreciate 
myself and i am starting to love myself. 
ive felt more confident n comfortable abt myself this past week than i ever had. 

wei, love urself more. find ur strong points n show it to others. n u’ll be much happier.