quintessentially banausic

i just got my new phone today!! lol. sigh. just lost my 2mth old phone so xim tia!!

and this is what it looks like. couldn’t really zoom it in any more. but yea. at least it looks quite presentable yes?

i wonder whats wrong with today. saw tracy (yes that tracy) today. dont think she saw me but its okay i dont mind and i saw xueyi!! lol. actually my bf saw her first but nvm. i saw her also! xueyi: i think u should wear more bright coloured clothes rather than white white white everyday!! =D

im hoping we can go settlers’ cafe on friday. and school is starting in .. 5 days!!!! -freak out- -.-”

went to csco’s concert today. they had a guest conductor Hu Bing Xu. tt conductor really knows how to get the atmosphere man! lol. but it was a great show lah. seriously. very very beautifully done the pieces. truth be told, i kinda liked chopin’s piece the most haha. encore piece lar. but yes tt was my favourite piece. haha. my mom was like asking me: eh, why you don wan go learn erhu also ar? then the two of you can play together ma. i was like: oh. ok. lol. what was i supposed to say!!???!? but i thought of that too. i just dont haf the moolahs. sadly.

and i oso very sad wen i see xy’s blog’s pics on the cattery… cos i nvr go!!! *sobz* cos the cats there are like so cute! i wanna take another one home!! *and my mom will kill me and my cat will go crazy*. oh and there’s this bird’s nest in the bamboos with some newborn birdies inside!! so cute!! and the worst thing is, my cat has been keeping her eyes on the nest since she knew it was there. so scary. i just dont wan my cat to bring another of her “preys” into the house and let me see it. dont get me wrong, i love my cat. but loving my cat doesnt mean i dont love the small birdies too! sigh. i hope my cat doesnt get the birds.

happy day today!! finally got my stuff from VS. thanks xy!!! loves it can?? seriously, never had anything more comfy haha. dont mind paying for it lor.. i wonder if there are any VS stores in sg….. and anyways, quite sian day today lar. stuffs stuffs stuffs.

dear all:

i have lost my hp. please leave ur contact no.s in any way you can by email or whatever ways you can think of. thanks.

i need the moon and the stars and the cool night breeze.

im sick and tired of other ppl ruining my holiday plans. is it so difficult for me to go for a holiday of 4 days after working my ass off for at least 2 years without a real holiday? huh? is it that hard? my mom says: mei2 yuan2 fen4. i say pei4!!!! go holiday oso need to wait until the “right time” and “right moment”? not like i gonna get married right? wtf!

(edited: idk why i feel the way i feel or why im so upset over a (or should i say, several) spoilt attempts to go on a holiday. many ppl don get to go on hols too. is it cos it feels as tho even though i did so much for so many ppl tt i care about but none of them seem to appreciate it? sometimes a saddistic thought hits me: would anyone notice if i just went missing? not just physically, but notice wat is missing in their life? or did the things i did dont matter at all? am i so undeserving of a short break in my life? its like telling me: hey you dont matter enough so imma change my plans and i really dont bother if it ruins urs cos you dont matter enough. am i that dispensable? maybe i am. im sick n tired of having low self-esteem from the day i started to know things. but each time things hit me like that, how can i ever be confident of myself and my self-worth? sometimes, just sometimes, i wonder how i ever kept my head up. and its in times like this that i feel: maybe my time has long gone. and if ppl do care about me, they sure dont show it or let me feel it enough to let me know that i matter(ED) in someone’s life. i came a long way and i know it. but it seems to me like some people (or should i say almost all the people i noe) cant wait to put me down n stomp me beneath their shoes. i noe im good enough but they seem to be so impatient to make me lose that littlest bit of confidence i have and kill me off. am i thinking too much? i might be. but after 2 decades of being put down like this, it just seems to me to be the most logical deduction.)

(edited: i dont wanna haf to prove myself to the world again. or to the people around me. cos i noe that i have proved myself since i was 16 that i can walk through all that life throws at me. no matter how bleak life seems at that point in time. cos i didnt haf my family around me at that time. no one knew about THAT but me cos i was so ashamed of it. if i walked through sth like that alone, i noe i can walk the rest that life throws at me. i just cant stand feeling so used.)

dots. had a terrible day man!!!!!! sianded. lost my hp. and left my mechanical pencil at that piano kid’s house. and the mom still thinks im charging 25 per hour!!!! wtffffff!!!! i already told her like at least 3x that i charge 30 per hour (and im planning to raise it lah) for goodness’ sake. market price for piano is like 50/ hour can?? im already charging at 20 below market price PER HOUR. they really wan me to eat grass n die?????? sian man!!!!!!!!!

not feeling good. my chest hurts like sh*T. idk why. i mean the whole entire rib area. -.-” maybe ate too fast jz nw lol. so anyways imma try to get a gd night’s sleep (NOT POSSIBLE) AND MY CAPS LOCK IS CRAZY AGAIN!!!!! ah. ok. now its okay. i have a few choices about my laptop:

1) take it to servicing n if it doesnt work get a new one
2) get a new one

i also have a few choices about this bag which keeps making my tops all very loose n woolly. u noe, the fabric balls?? yes. so two choices:

1) get a new bag with a smooth finish
2) get a smoothly-finished new bag

cos this bag is RUINING all my tops. absolutely ruining them. even the newest ones now have the balls of fabric (and wool or cotton) on them. i am blardie pissed. (hmm seems like i been quite an angry person these days) need to be happy! happy!

nth much these days. except going out all the time. tuition, piano … i have about 1.5 weeks of hols left. and 3 or more days each week need to go out for these lessons. im pretty tired. lol. idk why im “complaining” cos i guess quite a few people have to do it too. its just that my 3mth hols up till now i been working every single day! and i just wanna enjoy n be able to relax n go on hols or sth. next year ill haf 5weeks prac, then 10wks.. then no more hols! i need to get out there. to renew my determination to do well?? (even that excuse sounds feeble to me lol.) i guess i’m just finally realising that i cant always put others before me and sometimes i need to recognise and fulfill my own needs before i can think about what i can do for others. up till now i think i give at least 85% outside and the remainder myself n blahblahs. buying things like clothes is not “it”. i guess now is the time i really realise what it means to settle “me” first, before thinking about others. -.-” (rather than just saying it)

excited and looking forward to saturday!!! yes. nothing much happening in my life these days lol. so boring! and i just realised that it’s only two more weeks to school re-opening!!!! omg. where did my 3mths fly to??? geeeeeeeeee

havent been feeling like myself lately. maybe it’s post-MS-ing. idk. not really having mood swings but just feel moody n no appetite. n nauseous. (OMG!!! no. i already said POST-ms-ing) but yes. anyways.

so anyhows, caught SP’s rendition of Army Daze today. lol. very very VERY funny. i didnt noe my friend could act … -.-” what a loser friend i am. but still, it was great. really. for his own sake, i hope he gets out of his character soon. -.-”

and we went k-ing today!! lol. so high lar! we were singing hokkien gua!!!! lol.. and the ppl in the room opposite were like staring n laughing at us lar. but who cares? we had a fun time. though i gotta admit im kinda like a wet blanket -.-” it was fun. with a couple unhappy glitches but yes, it was fun glad to be around my high friends again.

lifes weird. sometimes wen u feel so alone and went company, u find GREAT company, but u end up feeling more alone. n sometimes wen u feel like you dont want any company, you get unwanted n unwelcome company (even by normal and ordinary standards) n u feel like bashing them up. sometimes u dont need any company. and you dont get them. but u feel wonderful n self-sufficient. aint humans weird?

and anyways by astronomers’ standards, humans are level0 creatures. not even level1. lowest of the low. -.-” ha! so those ppl who think humans are great, please. *screams* wake up your blardie idea ok???

im just ranting for ranting. -.-”

hols officially started for me. but it still doesnt feel like hols. gotta go for classes 4days/week. lol. so yes it doesnt really feel like a holiday. sigh. idk why feel so weird. hmmz anyways. i love my ubuntu linux