quintessentially banausic

sian!! wan to type but dunno what to write. i am supposed to be busy with school work but i cant get started cos .. i ditto why.. haha. tts bad. anyways, yes. i shld start my work tomorrow. I WILL START DOING WORK TOMORROW. i will i will i will. haf been spending too much $$$. DIEDEDEDEDED!!!! yes. i shall curb my spending.

i am suffering from constipation and i want to die!! cos i can feel my stomach bloated full of shit. and i cannot pass it out!!! can someone kill me pls? or at least let me lao sai?????? DOTS!

i have decided to change my ALS question to sth more manageable and doable. haha. anw, we were talking about the anglicizing of chinese (in sg context mainly) today in chinese rhetoric class. quite cool! urm haha. anw im duper tired n my tummy is duper bloated n i should start doing my work.

i have learnt a lot of interesting things about the muslim community and their lifestyle today. and i’m so excited to learn more!!!! and i feel so accomplished cos i have finally half mastered the way to eat roti prata with only one hand!!!!! hahahahahaha. so half-happy half-sad. yes.

its interesting how much you can learn about a person, a person’s culture, and everything in just one day, through a single event. i believe that everything happens for a reason. whichever religion, i guess that’s one big thing they teach/say a lot. sometimes, at the exact moment, you wouldn’t know exactly what they reason is, but in time, everything will just click. that is, if and only if we are ready to accept the truth and see the truth for what the truth is, rather than what we only want to see. i didn’t understand my grandma’s passing. i was afraid that my paternal family wouldnt be that close after that. but ive come to realise that my grandma is our adhesive, not only when she was around, but also after her passing. she has taught us a great many things. graciousness, strength, will, determinatin, perseverance… everything i learnt (almost) i learnt it from her. in grandma, i saw who i want to be. a person with grace, accepting everything with pride and grace, taking everything in stride, never missing a step, being determined, persevere, not giving in to haste and anxiety, understanding, loyal … my grandma was everything, and more. i never saw that part of her until she left. i never would have appreciated her so much when she was alive.

isn’t it sad that the moment you lose a person is the moment you start appreciating them?

i never want to make the same mistake twice. i love my dad, i love my mum, i love my family so so so so much. i love my friends, and i appreciate each and every one of them for who they are. n weinii bb too!

its just hard for me to show it. i guess its the way ive been brought up. but i dont think theres anything wrong with the way ive been brought up. i appreciate my parents for all they have done for me, for my bro, for my sis, for the family. and i love them despite the nags. i guess i even love the ppl who piss me off lol. at least they are my chu1 qi4 tong3 sometimes hahahahahaha. sad caseded.

but im happy . im happy cos …

1. i’m wonderfully and gloriously alive
2. i have my parents as my parents
3. my parents are still around
4. my family is still around
5. my family is close-knit (immediate n paternal)
6. i have a house, a shelter, a roof over my head – a sanctuary
7. i have people who love me for who i am
8. i know that i have people who love me for who i am
9. i love the people around me (almost every single one of them)
10. i know i have the capacity and ability for love, to love, and to accept love
11. i have the capacity to understand, empathise, sympathise
12. i have the ability to show my love
13. i have the capacity to forgive, and to be forgiven
14. i have the ability to forgive, and to be forgiven
15. i have the ability to spread love, happiness to the people around me
16. i have people doting on me
17. i know that i have people doting on me
18. i am able to appreciate every single person around me
19. i am able to appreciate the glorious world which we are killing bit by bit every second

20. I CAN LOVE AND BE LOVED

21. i don’t harbour ONLY ill intent, guilt, anger, grief, sadness in my heart
22. i can speak
23. i can walk
24. i can see
25. i can hear
26. i can listen (theres a difference i swear)
27. i can feel
28. i can touch
29. i can type
30. i can read
31. i can learn!
32. i can smell
33. i can breathe
34. i can hop, skip, jump, run, jog, climb …
35. i can fall ill
36. i can express myself (though sometimes i do not fully make use of this privilege effectively)
37. i have internet access
38. i have a TV set
39. i have cable TV
40. i have been on YEP, Surin Thailand 2004, NJC
41. i have friends
42. i know i have friends
43. i can drink
44. i can eat
45. i can chew, swallow, puke, pass urine and motion
46. i have food
47. i have all the stationery i need, and more.
48. i have a path in life and i know my path in life
49. i have everything i need, and more
50. i have time – time to appreciate the things i have, the people i know. i have the time and ability and capacity to be able to appreciate them the best way i know how.

i am happy cos i am privileged. i am SO privileged. and when i think about it, i am so touched that i want to cry. i am happy cos i have what i have, i have what i need, i have what i want. i am privileged for all the reasons that i have stated. i am privileged cos i was born here, to be able to enjoy the things i enjoy. i am privileged to even be a human! at least i can express my thoughts and write it down.

i am happy cos i am so rich! i’m rich in emotions, rich in feelings. im rich in a way that i have my friends and family and their support. im so rich that i have almost everything i want. i’m so rich to be able to have both my parents around me all the time that i want. to be able to have my siblings around.

i am happy .. cos i am me. a me that is able to appreciate everything now. appreciate everything better. the sunshine, the rain, the thunder, the storm, the wind, the clouds, the stars, the moon, the life that is within everything. a me that has happiness in my heart. no more anger. i’m happy cos i’m a happy me. hahahahahaha!!!! to be able to laugh!!! such a joy!!! such melody!

i am happy cos i am able to feel gratitude. gratitude to the higher beings who brought me here. who led me through turbulent times and guided me thus far. gratitude to everyone around me who tried to make my life hard, who tries and is still trying to make my life beautiful. and you know what, my life is so beautiful. that sounds good. MY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

i absolutely loathe it when i know that my friend isnt feeling good or is feeling down or sth happened and i cant help cos i dont know what the exact problem is cos he/she refuses to tell.

it makes me feel bad about myself and it makes me feel bad about not being able to help. when i know that i probably can. cos ive known the friend long enough to know that. and i cant work under this sort of circumstances!

i am determined to start writing in chinese. of course, i should also make it a point to keep writing in english. so … i’m determined to start writing this blog in … grammatically correct english (and of course adding “…”s is TOTALLY unacceptable) so i dont think i can do it hahaha! anyways, yes, i will make it a point to keep a weekly english journal and i probably should try to start writing chinese ones too! i mean, WRITTEN – handwritten. hahaha. aren’t i primitive? but who cares? writing always makes me feel better. better than crying out loud or talking for a really long time (even though an emotional breakdown is absolutely necessary when stress becomes too much to reign in cos if not i will really become SCHIZOPHRENIC) but of course, who in their right minds will sit and listen to you talk and cry for such a long time? depressing u noe? so writing is DEFINITELY the next best alternative . opportunity cost: almost zilt. HAHA. i am so MAD. i am so FREAKING MAD. yes i am mad. but who cares. at least i dont become schizophrenic. that is like, MY WORST FEARS CAN??? hahahahahaha.

ANYWAYS.

tomorrow is my great-granddad’s death anniversary. and tomorrow we’re going to visit siti. i miss siti. i REAAAAAALLy hope that shes fine cos im like, SO worried about her. shes so nice!! such a nice person, really. and anyways, 3 major assignments left to settle. i mean, major like MAJOR!!!! yes. sianded mans…… totally dont feel like starting on my work can? its like friday night lar! budden again, i would be giving in to Mr. P. again right, and we don’t want that to happen, right?? so yes. imma get started on my work. lets get the motivation going babes!!!

p.s. i’m really going nuts. brrr. bonkers. whoaaahahahahahahahahaahahaha *evil snigger* hyuk hyuk hyuk — am i mad? or am i mad? –

Firstly: work due:

09/03 132 script
12/03 ISLC GESL
26/03 103 paper
27/03 104 presentation
28/03 101 research paper cum reflections stuff

23/04 103 exam
24/04 GESL AMMY – ASEAN Ministerial Meeting for Youths
26/03 GESL AMMY
27/04 132 exam

Secondly: stuff I REAAAAALY want to do before i kong-kah-kiao i.e. DIE

1. get my degree (with good honours)
2. learn the viola – properly
3. be financially stable i.e. got enough to spend and save
4. buy my horn
5. rent a house
6. earn enough money for my parents so that they dont have to worry
7. be able to send my parents for overseas trips on a yearly basis
8. buy a house
9. get married to weinii bb – i noe some may say tt its too early to say now. bt im optimistic
10. get promotion
11. take another degree or diploma (maybe in counselling)
12. take a post-grad course – masters in … (maybe education)
13. take another post-grad course – Ph.D. in … (maybe education)
14. really contribute to the society i.e. be physically involved in community projects (overseas?)
15. make more true friends (which really shld be more at d top of d list bt. lazy 2 change d no.s)
16. have kids – probably
17. make sure that my kids are really well-educated.hate kids with no manners/common sense
18. get my health in order i.e. tone up, shape up…and get sth done abt this problematic stomach
19. be a role model to kids i teach in future
20. be able to sleep well, have a clear conscience (already ticked off the list)
21. get rid of Mr. P.

for now, thats all i can think of. hahaha. i’m such a short-sighted person!!!!! who cares anyways? urm, other than me and some of my closer folks that is …

i miss my horn. I miss my horn so much. i miss my horn like Sh*T does. i just wish, you know, that i can afford my own … and be able to play it any time i want. u noe, imma save up for my horn. i dont care if i save up for 3 years but i’m going to buy my own horn if it kills me. i miss my horn … …

one last scene to do. sighx. hope this really works out lol. after this week, only 3 big beeeeeg assignments to finish and two exams to clear. haha. HOLIDAYS ARE COMING!!! oh not to mention AMMY. urgh. dam*Ed. anyways, on to clear my script. been kinda bz haha.

i’m tired so im going to bed early tonight . so tired . my eyes are burning . lol .

anyways, happy cos nxt week going SHOPPING!!

sad cos tml morning he’s off to genting.

and also becos i really doubt whether i can finish my 132 assignment!!!!! only left one day … sighx. and ive only done like, 3/4 of my first draft. like so dead can???

throat is itching like hell again. better grab some zzzs. now.