quintessentially banausic

realised i sounded super harsh on d last post. maybe im PMS-ing. been really down. sigh. remind me not to post on the heat of the moment. anyways, time to throw myself into project n stuff. sigh. tired. got undone stuff. got to get them done. got to. my posts are quite boring right? haha. hmmm…

im planning to start a scrapbook. still thinking about the theme. i probably should start a scrapbook on GESL. it’d be fun lol. tho its kinda late. but still… haha…… lets see how things work out. quite a lot of stuff i wanna do this “hols”

doesnt she understand that the only reason i chose NIE over NUS was because of this family?
why cant she understand that i put in my lot for the family too? i chose NIE ‘cos of the stupid, filthy, stinkin’ money cant she see that? does she seriously think i like chinese so much? does she seriously think i like teaching? NO i DON’T

i HATE TEACHING
I HATE KIDS

signing 8 years of myself to the government was for all the benefits they could enjoy. all the money that we are in need of. i never asked anything in return. but cant she just acknowledge the fact that i’m actually her daughter as well? i’m sick and tired of it. bearing the brunt of her temper everytime. cant she see that all im doing is for them? going to NIE IS my choice. a choice that i made based on benefits over interests. monetary benefits. why do i always seem like the only one who cares about our financial and economic status? why do i always seem like the only one who cares enough? if i din care about this family i wouldnt haf taken this path.

maybe in time i’d learn to love to teach. learn to love kids. but as of now, i hate them. i hate kids.

i don want anything in return. i just want them NOT to take me for granted. maybe when i die they will then learn to appreciate me more. but i wont just yet. i’m not so foolish. i just want them to be able to appreciate me. at least acknowledge that i do something.

i feel like im carrying a heavy burden. a burden that i can let down only when i’m with my boyfriend or friends outside, talking about anything else other than school. im tired. seriously tired. tired of everything. i need a break.

anyhow, rmb the hossan leong thing? yeah this is the animated version. check it out. quite farnie lar….

http://ic3.deviantart.com/fs12/f/2006/317/3/f/SINGAPULA.swf

exams are finally over.

sigh.

now i gotta plunge into the project wholesale. urgh. tired. seems like theres not going to be a break. project’s going to last until february (until then i expect to be weighed with more work and projects) and this month is PACKED. so tired…….. but no break. sigh.

am dead shit for AAJ101. i haven finished studying for it. and i totally don understand. maybe its considered little for others but i think im dead cos im not that chinese and i cant stand c.lit and ive got 8 novels, 8 prose, 14 poems of which i think i onli understand like… 5 poems? urgh. i hate lu xun. somebody kill me! got to study. got to study. got to study.

sick and tired of studying. i’ll be glad to be rid of exams. should’ve opted out of the course lol. den i wouldnt hafta do all this stupid stuff!!! not even halfway thru my texts yet dont plan on finishing. dead tired of studying. i hate mugging.

This is my favourite song:

Love, Me (Collin Raye)

I read a note my grandma wrote back in 1923,
Grandpa kept it in his coat,
and he showed it once to me. He said,
boy, you might not understand, but a long long time ago,
grandma’s daddy didn’t like me none,
but i loved your grandma so.

We had this crazy plan to meet,
and run away together,
get married in the first town we came to and live forever,
but nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
i found this letter,
and this is what it said:

“If you get there before I do,
don’t give up on me.
I’ll meet you when my chores are through,
i don’t know how long i’ll be,
but i’m not gonna let you down,
darling, wait and see…
and between now and then,
till I see you again, i’ll be loving you…
Love, Me”

I read this note just hours before
my grandma passed away
in the doorway of the church,
where me and grandpa stopped to pray.
I know i’ve never seen him cry, in all my 15 years.
But as he read these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

“If you get there before I do,
don’t give up on me.
I’ll meet you when my chores are through,
I don’t know how long I’ll be,
but i’m not gonna let you down,
darling, wait and see…
and between now and then, till i see you again,
i’ll be loving you…
Love, Me”

and between now and then, till i see you again, i’ll be loving you…
Love Me.

this song never fails to touch my heart. i just wish i had a chance to tell my grandma:
“between now and then, till i see you again, I’ll be loving you…”

i never had a chance to tell her i love her.
never had a chance to show her how i truly love her. not till she was near her time.
i just want to tell her:

“I love you. and I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish you were right here beside me, supporting me, guiding me through… Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. Leniency, love, tenderness, kindness… I miss you so much. I wish you were right here with me. Ah mah, I love you… “

i never had a chance to tell her this. I just wish i could haf the chance to call her “ah mah” to her face again. i dont wanna be able to do that only in my dreams. she was always there to help me through when i needed it. she was there when i didn’t need anything. yet she gave everything to us, her grandchildren. she gave herself wholly. no complaints, no grudges, nothing. i can’t forget her smile i never can. she was always smiling. she always look so kind, so compassionate, so loving. we could always count on her. everytime. i just wish i could hold her tight right now.

but i guess she’s happily with grandpa up there now. and shes no longer tormented by any physical pain.

“it’s not the letting go that hurts, it’s the holding on…”

after 4 years, maybe it is time to let go. but i don’t want to. not just yet. i wish i could hold on to her forever.

finally first paper down. lol. tomorrow’s phonology. 9 chapters of non-understandable gibberish. urgh. doesnt help that ive got no motivation to study!!! sigh. i still got to do it. i have to. or else……

tomorrow’s my first paper. and i havent finished studying. which is bad. haha. ive read thru all the notes and everything but i’m just not sure whether the stuff is locked in or not. and tuesday’s morning paper…… sigh. i just realised that i have 2 new chapters that i havent studied. i thot id covered everything . haha. what a loser. back to books.

everyday i doubt my choice. was i right in choosing this path? should i have given myself more time? am i really suitable for this job? do i really like this subject? would things have been any different? what if…?

am i where i belong?

if yes, i dont feel that way.

everyday i find something new to doubt myself about. everyday something new to worry about. everyday something new to … sigh …
…
something new to confuse me. i dont know my direction anymore. no, i know my direction. i dont know if im travelling in the right direction. was i wrong in making this crazy dash? as far as i know and as far as i’m concerned, even if i’m not, theres absolutely no space for me to make a crazy drift or a crazy jump to change my direction. its a do or die thing. i think i’m on the dying end.

everyday the same fear. these few weeks it’s worse. no one knows but me. i know myself best. everyday something new to fear. i’m not even 19 yet. i’m too young. too young to be thinking about this type of problem, to be facing this sort of fear. i’m TOO, too young.

the more i think, the more confused i am. the more confused i am, the more i think.

when will this fear go away? when will it be over? when will i see it for what it is? when will it be time to stop? when will it stop?

just … when?

2 greatest fears. same time. same place. same confusion. same horrible feeling. same depression. it’s double of everything. someday.. someday it might get too heavy.

must find a way.
must find a way to solve this.
must find a way to get up.
must get up.

i must do it.

so many things to say, so limited a vocabulary, so limited a space. when can i really say all i want to say?

i am the keeper of my soul. the keeper of the tower that locks myself within. when will mr. hyde win dr. jekyll? when can i be free?

…

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