quintessentially banausic

i wonder why my mum bothers to have me in the first place when she so absolutely adores my sister so much.

i sometimes really do feel that she hates me
picks on me for nothing
for no reason at all.

does she really think she’s the only one who’s stressed?

does she think she’s the only one in the whole wide world who’s got problems and who’s not doing what she really wants to do. why does she think i chose NIE over NUS anyway?

because i couldn’t get into NUS? what the hell. she knew very well i was accepted early into NUS.

why does she treat me like dirt? ALWAYS. it’s always like this. ALWAYS.

she claims she understands. in fact she doesn’t

i know it’s hard on her and i shouldn’t be saying stuff like that but sometimes i need to let loose some emotions too, u noe? i’m not, and i can never be a wooden statue.

why is it that i get scolded for everything?
when i was tentative in making my decision, she encouraged me to go the other way. when i finally decided once and for all to take that path, she doubted me. what am i supposed to do?
i don’t live for her. i live for myself.

sometimes i just can’t stand it

i just can’t stand it.

i thought it was all over. aparently it is not. and it will never be. and i wonder why.

if she knew things were going to turn out this way, if I ever knew that things would turn out this way, i would rather not be born sometimes. i feel like i’ve got the whole world up against me. except my boiboi. he’s the only one who’s been there all this time.

maybe i truly am filthy. maybe i’m truly dirty. maybe that’s why they treat me like dirt.

i will never forgive that bastard. ever.

can my mum really understand what i went thru? having to cope with that, plus the death of my grandma, plus o lvl stress, plus peer pressure? just who does she think i am?

i’m her daughter
not her slave
not her servant

if she’s blaming me cos of what happened, fine. maybe i was in the wrong to have let that bastard got the better deal huh?

MY BAD.

that’s just it, isn’t it. she wished she’s never given birth to a daughter like me who’ll bring her shame?
she thinks i’m not humiliated?
she thinks i’m not living with the effects?
does she really think anyone can forget what happened? after it happened to them?

does she really think that i have no emotions?

she treats me like shit, and 30 seconds after that she’s laughing to my sis or my dad or someone on the phone. most probably one of those san ba aunts. am i really not worthy of her love?

am i?

it’s 11.53 am. in 8 minutes i’ll be registering for 6 modules. compulsory ones. i’d be learning stuff like phonology this semester. =)) i hope it’s going to be fun. the entire NIE Degree cohort has 189 freshmen this year, and 21 confirmed CLL specialisation students. =)) small group yeah? haha. and then i’d be off to the beach!!!!!! lol. havent gone to the seaside in a really long time. sigh. i hope we’re going to east coast. haha. d last time i went, my 3 quarts got caught on the bicycle gear thing n i fell n scratched myself real bad. it was… 4 years ago. 5 maybe. sec 3 year. haha. class gathering that day. it’s now a 5 min countdown. i wonder if there are any other modules that i can take up if i want to. you know, not compulsory but fun modules. i hope there are. i want the freedom to choose to read something that i want to. of course chinese is also my interest but.. i don’t just have 1 interest in the whole wide world, u noe? if there were a module like: aliens, i would DEFINITELY take it. no doubt in the world. like, how interesting is that? lol. i noe. im weird. but i’d like to believe that theres something else in the world. when i come home tonight i hope i can blog about the “day at the beach” lol. sounds like a primary school kids’ essay. haha.

it’s 11.57

lol. was just flipping through old photo albums.. and i feel REALLY old. like, of course i’m not like super duper very old, but i FEEL old. you know? lol. i miss being a kid!! i miss days at zhenghua. bukit batok. i miss days with my grandmama. i miss her kaya, her smiles, her silly mistakes, the way she speaks, her actions, her philosophies.. i miss… her.

thinking about her always makes me break down into tears. not the *boohoohoo* *wail wail* *scream scream* kinda tears, but the heart-renching kind, the kind u dont show it outwardly and don’t really wanna let them drop, but they still roll down ur cheeks softly n silently kinda tears. and then i try to look away and think of something else, or just listen to some music. tilting my head upwards, even, to shake the feeling away. it just won’t go. it’s been like… 3 years now. i still feel the same way. cant stop the tears.

anyways,

childhood!!!!

my favourite time!! lol. admittedly, i didn’t have much of a life in pri school, *pardon me, i had NO life at all in pri sch* but i had my happiest moments then, even when i had to live with daily canings. and scoldings, screamings, shoutings around the house. it got worse when my sis was around, after she was born. but then, i still treasure and cherish those days. we’d have weekly Sunday treks, the whole family, n go have a picnic, get some exercise, talk about nothing with my cousins.. fooling around, not a worry in the whole world. playing frisbee, swinging about on branches. lol. those were the days………… haha. sharing a room with my sis. kicking her off the bed (our beds were joint together)
oh and i remember when i was in pri 6, my mum asked my male cousin over to study together with me on weekends near the PSLE. (cos i was reading too much lol. and wouldn’t study and my cousin was playing too much and wouldn’t study either) we’d try to concentrate on our books and study till about near on 11 plus and go to bed. dead tired. but then we always wouldn’t sleep till dawn. lol. talking into the night. talk talk talk talk talk, chat chat chat chat chat. haha. it was fun tho. =))

i remember one time, i had a nightmare, and i (as usual) went over to my parents’ room which was just across the hall and i found that the door was locked! *and i rmb thinking to myself: they never EVER lock their doors* but then after a while they opened up n i cuddled in the middle of the both of them n fell asleep. lol. i thot about that incident in secondary school and came to the conclusion: they must have been hanky-pankying. lol. maybe it’s not that nice to talk about it here, right? haha. but i was young, and they were still young too!

secondary school was both the best and the worst of my time.
i finally saw the world for what it truly was.
i met a great friend *thank you leilei* and saw others for who they truly were. it was hard. facing family problems and had to deal with this sorta problems in school as well. and.. some other incidents i’d rather not talk about. i still feel filthy.

but i met superb teachers *thanks mr lim, ms kaur, mrs pearlyn wai* they were wonderful wonderful wonderful. i think i musta scared them quite a bit back then lol. n mr chew was nice as well =)) but there are others in the band i’d rather not remember. i’d like to treat it like it never happened. but i cant. i am still affected deeply by it. a scar that will never heal properly.

JC!!!
met a lot of people there. people who were more like me than the others i fell out with. but of course, there were a couple who spoilt my years. and the fun. by being arrogant, selfish, egotistical and boastful and mean. people like them should never be allowed to live on this earth. the earth’s too beautiful for them. self-confidence is one thing, over-confidence is another. a hair of difference, but that hair means a LOT .

i’d still like to think that i’ve met true friends in JC. albeit the fact i was kinda… busy. lol. the teachers were wonderful *thank he lao shi, zhang lao shi, mr whitby, ms champagne – no thanks nair* okay, fine, SOME of the teachers were wonderful.

of course, there were some glitches which spoilt the glorious melody line, injecting fear and suspense into the score. but the thing that doesn’t change is the chorus. my true friend stuck with me. and i am SO grateful for that.

i’d still like to think that my life is a breeze compared to others lol. and i wouldn’t have so much time to reminisce in future cos school is starting in two!!!! two days!!! lol. i’m going shopping tomorrow~~ lalala~~ *happiness is in the air*

i wonder what people do when they feel disillusioned

feel that they don’t exist

feel that nothing’s ever going right

feel that the world is revolving…… without them

i wonder how they deal with it. i wonder how I will deal with it.

why is it that the world is filled with people, but we only see ourselves and what’s going on around us? are we truly selfish? or are we just… narrow? or do we just don’t wanna know?

is life hard? or is it easy? theoretically… practically… literally… metaphorically…

i’m feelin’ weird. can you feel that? i’m feelin’ WAAAAAY weird.

oh.

and school is starting next week. choosing of modules = 27th july. term starts = 1st august

i havent gotten my matric card.

i have registered

i am bewildered as to what i will be going through

i do not know what lies in front of me

i only know i made a choice.
a choice that will affect me for life.
it’s a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig decision.
and by big, i mean BIG.
no qualms about it there.
no doubt
nothing.

i’m trying to clear my head

clear away the cobwebs and the dust.

havent been thinking much these days.

brain’s been deteriorating.
i’m starting to become stupid.

weird.

no one is stupid.

nobody is stupid in this world.

but i am.

getting there.
somehow.

so many things i wanna say.

don’t know how to say it.

don’t know where to start.

don’t know where to end.

don’t know if i should start.

should i?

i like short sentences.

short
sweet
succinct

sibilant alliteration,
by order,
don whitby

muddle-headed

got so many things to think about. so many things going on in my head

which comes first?

is there a first?
or are they all equal?

i’m not sure about anything anymore.

i think im going dumb.

but that’s weird.

cos nobody’s dumb.

nobody in this world is dumb,
like nobody is stupid

but i am both.

wahaha. watched pirates ydae. like cool! okay, i LOVE johnny depp. what i think about the show:

first off, i like keira knightley well enough, but elisabeth swan……………………. she’s got a lot to do to convince me.

and i hate orlando bloom!okay, maybe i don’t HATE him. i just don’t like William Turner. n out of all his movie characters, ONLY, i stress, ONLY, LODR elf was nice. William Turner just adds another bad char. spoiler.

*scratchhead*

hmm..

johnny depp is.. good. =)) fine, Jack Sparrow may be underhanded, cowardly, a liar, kiasi, but all in all, he’s a nice person. *ahem* and the last part, i think he was quite brave tho. QUITE. but JS is like.. humorous! sorta like a circus clown like. sometimes. a little gay and effeminate when he runs. lol. n his very rich facial expressions. wahaha. he’s cool. i think.

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

lol. are you bored enough to do it???

oh just adding another question:

how much does my family mean to me? (on a scale of 1-10)

1. 5

2.4

3.7

4.9

lol. im bored. really bored. haha. been doing nth much but slacking. and anyways, i HATE *okay, i absolutely DETEST and ABHOR* ppl who JUST DON’T GET THE OBVIOUS HINTS!!!!!! okay. im screaming. literally. metaphorically. whatever. hmm.. scolding ppl is fun!! when they deserve to be scolded of course. wahaha. it destresses me to scold people. wahaha. and anyways, i don’t understand why they said my lucky underwear color is blue cos i always thought it was red as well…. -.-” sigh.

talk about bored ness..

and anyways, i’m gonna try putting in a screenshot of my beloved SRO. wahaha.

wahaha. take a look at this guy. he’s blind in one eye. and if u can squint a bit u can see my cute little squirrel behind and maybe take a peek at my conversations =)) wahaha. i’m simply so bored. oh and you can see his name too!! and that’s me behind, in the middle of the guy and my squirrel. *the cutest thing u’ve ever seen is my squirrel*

now, lemme see if i can find something else… and i just realised i don’t know any picture from the other… -.-

so i’m gonna leave it for now.. wahaha. i love SRO *sometimes*.

too bored to do aniting else… check out these quizzes.. lol.. i am bored.

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don’t need any one person to make you compelte. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

wow look at this: from how i sleep!!! haha….

omg!!! i am him!!!! *now i’ve got to analyse my sexual tendencies*

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause.You are a commanding leader – after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

hehx. hard to believe eh? I’M ACTUALLY NORMAL!!!!! wahaha. i’m not a freak anymore!!!

You Are 55% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal…Other things you do are downright strangeYou’ve got a little of your freak going onBut you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

i never realised i had any of this:

People Envy Your Confidence

You have the attitude and self esteem to take on anything. Failure is beyond not an option for you – it doesn’t even cross your mind.People envy your ability to take on any challenge … and they’re secretly afraid you think you’re better than them. You don’t. You’re just sure of yourself.

wahaha. i’m pure!! pure!! pure!!

Your Kissing Purity Score: 74% Pure

For you, kissing isn’t a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

now i think i’m going nuts…

OMG!! i should REALLY rethink my sexual tendencies!!!

wahaha. check this out! i didn’t know this:

You’re an Expert Kisser

You’re a kissing pro, but it’s all about quality and not quantityYou’ve perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone’s socks offAnd you’re adaptable, giving each partner what they craveWhen it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

i should start getting more of these: *been quite down on my luck lately*

Your Lucky Underwear is Blue

You are caring and extroverted. You’ve made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them.You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist. Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry.If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They’ll help you take care of yourself first.

ENFP??? whazzat??

haha. im freaked out by causeway BreadTalk. omg. i was happily eating the bun and then i suddenly saw this black thing in the bun. and then i saw the wings. and FREAK OUT. wth. cant they keep their place clean? they’re supposed to be a Grade A place right????? geeeeeee… and anyways, i am like SO hungry. haha. n i’ve got lesson later. sian-ness. sigh. no choice. sometimes, i have to be practical n look on the side of the money. *sometimes only* and i am so bored………… going to look for some new online games now.. lol..

kope-ded from xy’s blog.. wahaha… BORED…

7 random things about me

1. i’m super duper very fat
2. i LOVE rainy days
3. i absolutely ADORE the lightning!!! when it goes *CRACK!!* wahaha. i’m a morbid person
4. i have flying objects(other than apache/fighter planes…)
5. i have an irritating and idiotic sister
6. i suffer from SDSTM *super duper short term memory*
7. i need a new phone. -.-

7 random songs at the moment
1. hua tian cuo – lee hom
2. you should really know – shola ama+…
3. tomorrow – disney – annie
4. sing sing sing – benny goodman
5. fly me to the moon – bing crosby version
6. itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini – ??? i don’t really know.
7. BLUE SHADES!!!!!!! – frank ticheli

7 things I like the most
1. retail therapy
2. flat sexy stomachs (not mine)
3. long sexy legs (not mine either)
4. SRO
5. books
6. LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!
7. being loved. really. (its a ‘thing’ to me)

7 things that scare me
1. darkness. really.
2. any flying object that isn’t man-made
3. not being able to talk
4. the thought of losing loved ones
5. the thought of growing fat
6. being misunderstood. TOTALLY.
7. having no financial power

7 things I say the most
1. d-uh????
2. lol
3. huh???
4. wth
5. walao!!!!!!
6. serious???
7. really meh?

7 people to do this
1. any equally boliao person wld do.

i am really bored.